Peace

My Dearest Christina,

Wow!! What a great night. I continue to enjoy the Grief Share classes I have been attending. Tonights class specific topic didn’t really apply to me per se. But the direction the discussion took totally did. I continue to be amazed at some of the realizations I have during these classes. So many times I hear something and think “yes! that’s totally how I feel!”. Or I just have a realization that what I’m feeling is okay, or right. It’s really been a great experience.
Tonights epiphany was a pretty cool one. I’ve gone the last couple years wondering when I would have my “meltdown”. You know, that moment when I finally crash into a valley of self pity. Unable to function. Questioning EVERYTHING!! I have been told several times by several people that “it will happen. It’s part of the grieving process.”. Apparently, I’ve been so strong for everyone else during this whole season, that at some point I would have to crash. It’s the rule. And while I won’t deny having my moments (to be honest, they happen all the time), I just cannot see myself “melting down”. But if it’s “the rule”, why am I not having mine? And there it is. The big question.
One of the best parts of Grief Share is that it dispelled the myth of “steps of grieving”. I’ve never really thought about it much. But I’ve always been taught (and have taught) that there are 7 steps of grieving……Shock & Denial – Pain & Guilt – Anger & Bargaining – Depression/Reflection/Loneliness – The upward turn – Reconstruction & Working through – Acceptance & Hope. And while I certainly feel that there are some that will experience all of these feelings, I officially don’t believe that EVERYONE will go through ALL of them. The reality is, we all experience grief in a different way. And while we may all share a similar journey. Our journeys are all unique. And the even bigger question then being…….where am I in my journey?
In our discussions tonight, one of the other attendees started expressing similar feelings to mine. So I began listening pretty intently (not that I wasn’t listening, but, you understand……I hope). And that’s when I heard the comment that turned on my light bulb. She said that while it still hurts, she is at peace. I thought “yes! I think that’s me!”. But of course, I can’t just jump on the bandwagon. I had to go to my trusty Merriam Webster App and look up the definition of “Peace”. It’s pretty extensive. But there is a part that resonated with me……..
                         “freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions”
Yeah. I think it’s safe to say that sums up the status of my journey at the moment. Don’t get me wrong. This sucks. BAD. I miss you SO much. But………..I’m at peace. Life is still good. And God is GREAT!! But then, you know that first hand. 😉
I love you Precious. Can’t wait to see you again. XOXOXOXO
~If my heart had wings~
Stephen
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