Ranting

Okay. So I have a rant. But I don’t know where to start it. So bare with me on this one. It may come out a bit, well, jumbled.

Okay, so it’s no secret that there are times when the weight of being a single parent seems too much to bear. And I’ve said numerous times that it’s at these moments when I miss Christina the most. Well, it’s one of those times. And yes, I’m having a bit of a “moment”. So, it’s been a pretty good day…..for the most part. Started normal. Get the kids up. Take them to school (just Andrew this morning. Poppy took Alexys to school). Stop at Dunkin to get coffee (and a free donut today). Then to the office. Meetings. Interviews. “Got a Minutes”. Same ol, same ol. Then I had a client meeting with one of my agents. It was at 6 pm. Which means I have to battle traffic to get there. And this…….is where it all starts. I HATE traffic. Okay. “Hate” really isn’t strong enough. Loathe. I loathe traffic. It’s one of the reasons I loved working midnight shift as a police officer. NO TRAFFIC!!!!! So I get to the appointment about 15 minutes late. Which is okay, because the client “had a headache” and didn’t show. Which wasn’t horrible, because as I pulled into the parking lot of the meeting place, mother nature decided it was a good time to unleash the worst rain storm I’ve seen in a while………for over an hour. So as I sit there talking to my agent about the client that didn’t show, somebody pulls in next to me, and decides to make a run for it. But not before opening his door into my door……REALLY HARD. And then run off into the rain storm of the century. I was so blown away that he did that while I was sitting in the car, that I didn’t even think to chase him down. I mean REALLY!!?? Am I the only one that tries to NOT hit the car next to me when I get out of my car?? Especially if the owner is SITTING IN THE CAR AT THE TIME!!!!! UGH!!!! So, now I’m faced with a decision. Wait for the rain to stop to get out and take pictures, and risk the guy coming back and leaving before I get the chance, or get out of the car in the middle of a monsoon and (at a minimum) get a picture of the guys license plate. Yeah, I wasn’t taking that chance. So, while I now have a picture of the damage and license plate of the very nice person who I’m sure didn’t even notice that he hit my car so hard that it shut his door for him, I’m also now wet. I hate being wet. And as I get back into my air conditioned car, I realize that I am now cold. I hate being cold. So I turn on the heat. But since I’m wet, it just makes the car hot and…….humid. Now the windows are fogged up. Put a little side to side motion to the car and I’ll be igniting the imagination of everyone that passes by. Sigh. So I’m once again just sitting, waiting for the rain to stop, and guess who returns to their car. With a “not me!!!” attitude. Yup, THAT guy. The nice one that decided my drivers side door would look better with a little kiss from his drivers side door. Anyway, names and numbers were exchanged. But he wasn’t shy about making it known that he doesn’t believe he’s responsible for the damage to my car. Hopefully the buffer will take it out and I won’t have to worry about him.

So I leave the parking lot, and drive home. Hoping to be able to say goodnight to the kids and go to bed. And then I get a text from Alexys……..”Are you on your way home?”. “Yes, why? Is something wrong?” “No. Andrew want’s to go to bed” (red flag….it’s 8pm. Andrew never wants to go to bed at 8pm). “No. Tell him to wait. I’ll be home in 10 Mins”. “Ok”. As I walk in the door, I find out that Andrew has just started his homework. Hmmmmmmm. That explains a lot. He doesn’t like doing homework with his grandparents. So he gives them a hard time. Which means……Daddy gets to help with it. That was at about 8:15pm. He faught me till 10:30pm. He is determined. But I won in the end, and his homework got done. But it was a battle.

So where am I going with this? Well, as I’m sure you can imagine, I am quite frustrated, stressed, perturbed, and any other adjective you can come up with to describe this feeling. And it’s REALLY hard to play both parents. In situations where I get frustrated and stressed, Christina used to come in and be able to instantly calm everyone down. Especially me. Or maybe she would just take over. Give me a break. Whatever it was, she would do it. I miss that. With me, it was a hand on my shoulder and a whisper in my ear saying “I got if from here sweetie” Oh, the touch of her hand was magical. It just took all of the anger and frustration out of me. I would just melt when she touched me.  I really miss that. It’s was like some kind of energy that just drained every stress of the day. Every problem. Every concern. It would just vanish. No longer an issue. Just from her touch. It was wonderful.

And she knew this too. Most of the time she would use it to make me feel better. Other times, she would use it to make me even more mad…….like when I wanted to be mad at her. She would just come over and touch my shoulder. And I wouldn’t be mad anymore. It was really frustrating at times. But wonderful at the same time. One of my most treasured memories of our last week together was the Thursday before she passed. She was feeling strong and was sitting up. I had just finished wrapping up the duties of the evening and had crawled (literally) into bed. She looked at me and said “you look tired, how about you lay your head in my lap and let me rub your back”. I looked at her and said “it’s okay sweetheart, I’m fine. Just tired”. In her typical, stubborn way, she said “look buddy, I may not ever get to do this again. So get over here and let me take care of you”. What could I say? Nothing. So I just obeyed. And it was a wonderful, intimate moment. I loved feeling her hands on me. I miss that. I needed that tonight.

Okay, so for all my worriers out there, I’m okay. Just having a moment. All is well. God is good. Loving life. I love my kids (yes, even Andrew). They are the best. And I don’t know what I would do without them. Thanks for listening. I love you all. And as for you Christina? I miss you bunches. Needed you big time tonight. And I love my memories of us.

“If my heart had wings, I would fly to you and lie, beside you as you dream. If my heart had wings”. ~ Faith Hill

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