Okay. So I admit. I’m not always the best at being on time. And my timing in general isn’t always the best. But come on!!!! This whole grief thing is the WORST!!!!!
So, I’ve been meaning to write something for a little while now. There are so many things I want to put in writing, but I just never seem to have the time. And to be honest, I wasn’t even planning to write tonight. I’m supposed to be studying at this very moment. But somehow, I just don’t think I would be able to concentrate. Then again, maybe this is my subconscious looking for an excuse not to study. Who knows. All I know is, I just randomly had the wind knocked out of me, and all I can think about right now is how much I miss Christina. And it’s the most random things that get me!! Tonight, it was an email I found from her to me back in 2010 (don’t preach, I know. And I’m sure I have some emails from before that). She had forwarded me an email from Andrew’s teacher relating to her about how much of a pleasure Andrew was to have in his class. As I read the words that she typed into the email, I could hear her voice as she related how pleased she was to be getting a good report on Andrew (for once). I could see the joy on her face as she thought about how wonderful her little boy was, and the fact that someone else felt he was a joy to be with. And even now as I think about this, I can see the twinkle in her eye, feel the heart skip a beat as I know it did for her. The butterflies were doing all kinds of acrobats as she swelled with pride. I can picture it as if I were there with her 3 years ago. I have to admit that I sometimes chuckle at the randomness of the things that reduce me to tears, and paralyze me so that I can’t concentrate or focus on anything else. Fortunately it’s late, and I can just go to bed and sleep it off.
So, anyway, as I sit here wallowing in self pity for a few moments, I can’t help but think of the kids. I know how I feel having lost my wife and best friend. I can’t even begin to imagine how the kids feel. My only comfort is knowing that the kids know that Mommy loved them more than life itself, and that she was so very proud of both of them. And as I look at them now, and see how far they have both come over the last year, I can’t help but think of just how proud she must be of them now (I know I am). Probably feeling those same butterflies she was feeling the day she wrote that email about Andrew. She likely has that same twinkle in her eye. Blurred by tears of joy at how well they are both doing. Waiting for the day when she can once again wrap her arms around them and give them a big hug. One of the last things Christina and I ever talked about was how much it hurt knowing that she would not be there to watch the kids grow up. To kiss the boo boo’s. To hug them goodnight. She agonized over this for days. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must be like. What I can tell you is, the timing of this whole thing stinks. And while I understand that there is a greater plan at work. It doesn’t mean that at this moment, I have to like it. Sigh. I really dislike this part. It’s at times like this that I wish I could hold her one more time. Even if just for a moment. To see in person her wonderful smile. The sparkle in her eye. Feel the butterflies when she puts her arms around me. The heart rate get faster. The scent of her shampoo as I inhale through my nose. Feel the tingle all over as we fit together so perfectly. Sigh. I miss you Precious.
When you get a chance read the second paragraph of the e-mail I got from Mr. Baylor. It feels so good to finally be getting some positive feedback on Andrew….way to go Andrew!!!
Thanks for checking….I honestly kept trying to send an email to you, but I kept getting side-tracked! The fee is $17.00. I appreciate that Mr. Cilento is able to go!
A side note…I am extremely happy to be working with Andrew this year. He is such a kind-hearted boy and is so eager to do a great job. It has taken him so adjusting to kindergarten, but is always happy and loves learning. During tutoring yesterday he was working on the computer (Lexia) and was so excited when he was completing the answers correctly. He was also very excited to get cards during our Letter Card Game. Students like Andrew make teaching so worth it!
Have a great afternoon!