Why?

Merriam-Webster:
adverb
: For what cause, reason, or purpose

So many times I find myself asking the question “why?”. Most of the time it’s of the kids (why didn’t you put your toys away, why did you hit your sister, etc). Other times, it’s a little bit harder to answer (why did Christina have to die?). Most of the time I tell myself that God has a bigger plan. And that even though I don’t know (or could possibly imagine) the reason “why”, God knows, and in His time I too will know. I like to think that as an adult, I deal with these questions pretty well (or, as well as I can). I have gotten pretty good at the self pep talks. Looking at the positive side of life. Always seeing the bright side of things. I won’t deny that I still have my moments. But overall, I’m doing okay. But that’s me.

The other day, I was trying to get Alexys to go to bed. She was giving me her typical “I can’t sleep/I don’t feel good” story indicating that something else was wrong. It took me a little while to figure it out, but I was finally able to get her to tell me the problem. With tears in her eyes, she said “I miss Mommy”. And then the question came……”why?”……”why did God have to take Mommy?”. She then started relating how “Mommy always knew how to make me feel better”. “She would play with my hair and rub my back”. I had to admit to her that I didn’t have an answer for her question. And for once, I was at a loss for words. There was a part of me that wanted to give her the typical responses (God has a plan, trust Him. He won’t give us anything that He and us together can’t handle). But then the other part of me said “that’s not what she needs to hear”. So I just shut up and let her talk. For me, watching the kids grieve, is harder than dealing with my own grief.

There are some things in life that just stick with you. And no matter what you do, you just can’t stop thinking about them. So I started thinking about the “why”. Why did God take Christina from us? Why did God take my kids Mother? Why did he take Guy & Jackie’s daughter? Why did He take my wife? All I could come up with was…..I don’t know. God hasn’t revealed this to me. I firmly believe that He will not bring me to, what he can’t bring me through. And He has strategically placed the right people in the right places to help us through this time. Which, of course, got me thinking some more (very dangerous). My logical brain had to examine this from both sides of the equation. All this time we have asked ourselves “why did this happen to us?”, “why did He take her from us?”. We look at the situation as if we are the center of the equation. But what about her? Couldn’t she ask the same question? “Why?”. Why did she have CF? Why did she have to struggle to do the things you and I do with such ease? “Why?” What if, our purpose was to be there for Christina? To make her life easier to live. Gods tool to help bring her through, what he brought her to. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not trying to make myself look like a “holier than thou” person. I certainly don’t feel that way. I was thinking about this as I shared with Alexys my thoughts earlier today. I wanted her to know that she (and her brother) were the realization of a life long dream that Christina had. She (and Andrew) made her life worth living. She (and Andrew) were……her world. She (and Andrew) are evidence, that God will take care of those who love him. And, He will bring us through (using whatever tools he desires), what He brings us to.

Why? I don’t know. What I do know is, that if it weren’t for my kids and the rest of my family and friends, who knows what I would be doing right now. Thank you Lord, for all of your blessings.

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